What It Is To Exist (Yes, WITH Cellulite)June 7, 2020
Growing up I never saw cellulite on women. So it felt weird, strange and abnormal to have it develop on the backs of my thighs when I was a teenager.
I adopted a tomboy look, not for preference, but so that I could wear board shorts instead of bikini bottoms.
I would do hundreds of squats a day, because some guy commented that if I just did more of them, I’d be free of them.
I walked backwards out of rooms that my husband was in for fear that he would think less of me.
I wore long pants in the summer just telling everyone I hated shorts.
I was hiding.
Because I didn’t know that it was normal, let alone that there were others like me.
The saturation of images of another side, once “mainstream media” became ours, as one by one we showed up.
Perhaps in resistance,
perhaps in joy,
perhaps without needing it to be a message or statement at all.
It came with a deeper understanding and gratitude.
The shedding of shame each time I saw it.
Eventually to stop really seeing it at all.
I still have my moments when I drop the towel, feeling like eyes must be staring and judging and fearful that I’ve made myself less attractive in that moment.
That is my first thought.
But I’ve been taught and have learned that it’s not the first thoughts that matter, it’s the second ones.
The ones that keep you walking forward.
As you choose to exist in your body and your skin.
We deserve that, you know.
I want us to have that.