Why I Never Used To Be Body Loving/Confident/Positive

To be completely honest, I used to turn a cheek to anything body positive/body confidence/self-love.

I mean, I was supportive from afar with a “you do you” mentality, but in no way was I going to *follow* or allow messages like that to enter my newsfeed.

I was on a mission of self-improvement and it seemed as if being body confidence would get in the way of that.

I was rapidly losing weight – with full plans to surgically reconstruct when I was done.

I lost the weight, and surgery was going to be possible, but something was shifting inside of me.

I knew that I was trying to hate myself happy.

Here I was with a following of people clinging to my story of hope and weight loss and how happy it could make you…but I wasn’t happy. I just kept shifting the hate.

That something inside of me cracked. I felt a wave of protection over everyone I’d ever “inspired” and I wanted to take back my words that weight loss = happiness.

Suddenly all those body-positive, self-loving women became like beams of light in my life.

I needed to soften my judgments and recognize that they were on the other side of something I was just entering into.

I wasn’t ready for self-love. Self-hate was what I knew. I used to say “well if I work out in front of a mirror and something jiggled, I just knew I needed to fix that next”.

Yeah, try being 20lbs underweight and realizing things still jiggle.

I was so skewed on what the body was meant for. What WE as humans were meant for. My life on this planet is not meant to just lose weight and diet forever and leave the world a what…better place?

But what if I could openly share my heart, share my process and redirect? What if I could share that body positivity can mean empowering your choices in a place of love and authority instead of hate and shame?

What if I could truly love myself, and have that impact on all facets of life? Relationships, choices, work, body, food, everything.

I know a lot of you have been here for the whole journey, and some just for a bit of it. But I can’t thank you enough for allowing me this pivot, gracefully supporting me. It isn’t an easy path, and it’s one with a lot of resistance, but boy – is it worth it.