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A real honest 16 week update ⁣

Content warning: pregnancy, bleeding, fears ⁣

Well, here we are. 16 weeks/4 months. Baby the size of a polly pocket necklace or an avocado, whichever you prefer. I feel bad thinking about an avocado because I just ate half of one, so for me, she’s a polly pocket necklace. ⁣

Y’all, this last week was scary. After bleeding at 15 weeks 1 day, I felt like everything I feared (yet expected) was becoming reality. And I had to face some facts. ⁣

Like the fact that I really haven’t been allowing myself to enjoy this pregnancy, even while presenting that I have. I feel like I’ve been only half myself. Because with every gift I’m given I’m mentally thinking who I would give it to if I miscarry. With every bathroom trip, I’m expecting blood. With every weird twinge I believe the worst, not just fear it, just begin to believe it all to be true. With every plan made I make an alternative mental one that includes me not pregnant and with no baby. ⁣

I’m living as if I’m expecting bad news, my anxiety planting roots in this. ⁣

It’s basically sucked the joy out of this for me and I haven’t known how to talk about it. Except for to just be honest now. ⁣

I struggled with ever wanting to admit I wanted to try for a baby because then the choice was out of my hands and out of my control. I struggled when we got pregnant and often told everyone “not to get too excited… we just don’t know yet”. ⁣

This week with what felt like all my greatest fears were coming true (they weren’t) I made a decision… a decision to start enjoying the days and the moments we have, instead of just bracing for the “what if’s”. ⁣

I can’t control what’s going to happen. ⁣
But I can control how I react to not knowing. ⁣

So I’ve started talking to her. ⁣
Planning. ⁣
Embracing all this. ⁣
And letting go of the rest. ⁣

Life is made up entirely of “what ifs”. ⁣
I have to acknowledge that includes⁣
“what if it all goes exactly right?”.

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