A Real And Honest Update: 16 WeeksAugust 7, 2020
A real honest 16 week update
Content warning: pregnancy, bleeding, fears
Well, here we are. 16 weeks/4 months. Baby the size of a polly pocket necklace or an avocado, whichever you prefer. I feel bad thinking about an avocado because I just ate half of one, so for me, she’s a polly pocket necklace.
Y’all, this last week was scary. After bleeding at 15 weeks 1 day, I felt like everything I feared (yet expected) was becoming reality. And I had to face some facts.
Like the fact that I really haven’t been allowing myself to enjoy this pregnancy, even while presenting that I have. I feel like I’ve been only half myself. Because with every gift I’m given I’m mentally thinking who I would give it to if I miscarry. With every bathroom trip, I’m expecting blood. With every weird twinge I believe the worst, not just fear it, just begin to believe it all to be true. With every plan made I make an alternative mental one that includes me not pregnant and with no baby.
I’m living as if I’m expecting bad news, my anxiety planting roots in this.
It’s basically sucked the joy out of this for me and I haven’t known how to talk about it. Except for to just be honest now.
I struggled with ever wanting to admit I wanted to try for a baby because then the choice was out of my hands and out of my control. I struggled when we got pregnant and often told everyone “not to get too excited… we just don’t know yet”.
This week with what felt like all my greatest fears were coming true (they weren’t) I made a decision… a decision to start enjoying the days and the moments we have, instead of just bracing for the “what if’s”.
I can’t control what’s going to happen.
But I can control how I react to not knowing.
So I’ve started talking to her.
Embracing all this.
And letting go of the rest.
Life is made up entirely of “what ifs”.
I have to acknowledge that includes
“what if it all goes exactly right?”.