Perinatal/Prenatal Depression: An UpdateNovember 24, 2020
I spent months feeling like I couldn’t do this. My body was failing me. My heart and brain were too.
I was too scared to love her.
And too sick to feel much of anything else.
Depression set in.
So I’m just not sure when it happened.
When I fell in love.
Or it even began.
Slowly, yet suddenly, it was just there.
Much like all the times before in life.
Where you go from a wandering to an intention.
Maybe it was when I saw her face.
Maybe it was when she started responding to my voice.
Maybe it’s in the quiet moments when I feel so alone and a swoosh of a hand inside me reminds me that I’m not.
And so our love story didn’t start off the way I imagined.
It’s been rocky, scary, and detached.
Prenatal depression is hard.
Love doesn’t fix it all.
I still get sick a lot.
I still feel very scared to lose her.
I still feel scared to lose myself, too.
But what great love doesn’t come with the risk of your entire being?
My girl, my girl.
I’m not sorry it took this long.
Because loving you is scary.
But it’s the good kind of scary.
The kind that takes a wandering, scared heart and brings it home to its intention.
We were meant for this.
And in our final weeks tethered together, soon we will both see.