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Content warning: disordered eating / eating disorders / malnutrition / body ⁣

When I was losing hair I related it back to what happened during postpartum and didn’t think anything of it. ⁣

When I felt cold all the time, it made sense to me because I lost weight and lost my “insulation”. So yeah, I was cold. ⁣

When I was exhausted, I felt that was normal because I was working so much, and a mom of 3. ⁣

When I lost feeling in my legs, I decided it was because I crossed my legs too much, even tho the doctor said it was bones on nerves from being so thin. ⁣

When I would be bloated, I would take laxatives to clear out my system, blaming my IBS repeatedly. I became reliant on them. ⁣

When my bloodwork came back deficient, I just figured I needed more vitamins. ⁣

Today I read a post about malnourishment and how it looks and appears on an adult body and these memories came rushing back as I checked off the list one by one. ⁣

In the quest to become thin, and stay thin, I was malnourished. But malnourishment doesn’t just exist for those in thin bodies. Eating disorders don’t just exist for those in thin bodies either. ⁣

In the US alone, it’s estimated that approx 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from eating disorders at some point in their lives. ⁣

For malnutrition, it can develop from both under-nutrition, (common with anorexia nervosa), and overnutrition, which can often be the case in binge eating disorders.⁣

I was a weight loss success story. ⁣
A before and after. ⁣
Praised for my ability to self control. ⁣

The truth being a swinging from one disordered eating pattern to another. Blaming my body for its sicknesses, instead of seeking help for my mental health. ⁣

Have I healed yet? ⁣
No. I don’t think so. ⁣
My changing body and ever present fears tell me I haven’t. But I’m pushing. I’m striving. I’m showing up every day. Some days confidently, some days more honestly with the reality of not having it all together. ⁣

But my hair is thick, I’m no longer cold, I’m tired but not exhausted, I can feel my legs, I can poop, my bloodwork came back normal. ⁣