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Last week I had to make some hard calls and send some tough messages.⁣

I’ve been chalking a lot of how I’m feeling up to just “being pregnant” and last week it hit me that it’s just not normal. ⁣

I’ve spoken openly about the difficulties of pregnancy this time around, the fear and detachments I’ve been experiencing. ⁣

It made me feel like a total asshole. ⁣
Why can’t I just be happy? ⁣
This is supposed to be a happy time. ⁣

I looked at Shane last week and finally said it: “I think I have prenatal depression”. ⁣

As soon as the words left my mouth I sobbed. And sobbed and sobbed. I made a couple necessary phone calls for next steps (which haven’t happened yet so no follow ups to report). I texted my family, my best friends. I put my phone down. ⁣

Here’s some symptoms:⁣

•mood swings⁣
•sadness, hopelessness or feeling overwhelmed⁣
•frequent crying spells or crying easily⁣
•a lack of energy or motivation⁣
•a desire to eat often or not feeling like eating at all⁣
•sleep problems, including sleeping too little or too much⁣
•difficulty focusing or making decisions⁣
•memory problems⁣
•feelings of worthlessness or guilt⁣
•loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy, or finding you no longer enjoy them when you do participate⁣
•withdrawing or wanting to withdraw from friends and family⁣
•headaches, body aches and pains, or stomach problems that seem different from morning sickness⁣

I was able to check off all but one from that list. ⁣

Pregnancy is so complex. It’s not always happy and joyous. ⁣
To be honest, when I feel happiest is seeing other people happy FOR us. ⁣

I am often feeling very detached from the baby. It helps that she’s moving now. It’s helped that we’ve named her. But because I held myself off from wanting her in fear of losing her, it’s now harder to check “in” to the pregnancy. ⁣

I am committed to finding resources and outlets and ways to navigate through this. ⁣
One thing I won’t do, is just pretend it’s all ok. ⁣

Too many of us have hidden our pain, our stories, our sadness, because of the guilt that comes with it. ⁣

I have been carrying this.
And I’m ready to put it down, talk about it, and learn.