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The first time I laid on my side and Shane reached around to hold me and touched my stomach, we both flinched. This was a rule that now had accidentally been broken. So now what? ⁣⁣⁣⁣
Because I was mortified. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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For years I had been hiding and curating my body to be strategically as attractive as it could be because the narrative in my mind told me my body was for others. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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This moment I felt, ruined it all. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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He reacted apologetically as he moved his hand away from my stomach. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Acting in pure emotion, frustration and impulse, I placed my hand on top of his and brought it back to my core. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Our hands stayed there as he held me. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I allowed him to wrap his arms around me as silent tears streamed onto my pillow. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
Not tears of pain or mortification. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
Tears of comfort. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
Tears of safety. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
Tears of relief. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
Tears of realization. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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He merely wanted to hold me. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
I merely wanted to be held. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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That day, I finally let myself be. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
That day, I finally stopped trying to have my body feel like merely benefit or a burden for others, as if that was its purpose. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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This was my body. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I deserve to be held. ⁣

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